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How To Get The Partners in Our Relationships Make the Change We Would Like Them To Make

March 16, 2013

How To Get The Partners in Our Relationships To Make the Changes We Would Like To See Them Make.

Everyone of us in our personal relationships has issues with our significant other, and approaching those issues are always very temperamental and very sensitive conversations; and seem almost impossible to address because when it comes down to those major issues that we’re trying to deal with in our relationship with our partner, it has a sensitive area, usually that which we’re trying to address, it strikes an instinctual cord. Anytime we’re in conversation or dialogue with our partnership, we always want to recognize when we have hit an instinctual cord, or an instinctual cord has been hit by our partner. So, we’re learning to recognize an instinctual response. Now what makes it an instinctual response. Once an instinct has been triggered, it has a reactive response, it’s a non-thinking, reactive response. What makes it an instinct is that it doesn’t need to be thought about, it’s already sitting there. So, when we engage in conversation in any kind of partnership, a relationship that we’re entering into with our partner in a conversation into a sensitive area, we want to be aware of instinctual triggers. So, we need a time-out sign. We need a sign between each other that’s agreed on like, “Oh, it just hit a core or hit a cord.” So, we can discuss what that means and why that just hit a cord; rather than feeling that instinctual trigger and then, starting to react to a position where we can start throwing instinctual daggers at each other. Instinctual daggers are where we bring up an uncomfortable situation or where we recall where a partner has done something that they feel bad about and they know they were wrong. We beat them up with it, we lash them down with it to try to redirect the energy, or try to divert them from going any further. These kind of conversations can really turn into a havoc situation. So, one of the things we want to learn in our relationships and our communications is, it’s a negotiation. You almost want to think about it in any negotiation, it has to have balance, it has to have fairness to it. So, when we want to address a strong issue with someone who we know is in a sensitive area, the best way to go about this is to recognize in that conversation that I would like to talk to you about an area that is very sensitive, is there a way that we can have a conversation about this? Picking the right moments where both parties are prepared to engage in an in-depth conversation that’s going to have some sensitive topics to it. So, it wants to have a mutual agreement. One of the worst things that can happen in a relationship is when we want to address an issue, but our partners not ready; or, when our partner wants to address an issue with us and we’re not ready to deal with that issue. So remember that when you have an issue, that represents a possibility of friction or reaction, try to always set the template to say, “can we pick a time to discuss this issue that’s been going on for me,” to make sure that both of you are in the right head space. So, it’s real important for both of you to pick your spots of when you’re going to deal with a sensitive issue. Too many times we address issues when they’re in inappropriate times, maybe at public arenas, maybe at family events. These are not the times to talk about core issues that are going on in the relationship. The times are selected times where you get quiet times, where you have time to sit down. Then you have a time-out sign, like raising of two fingers or a crossing of a “T,” for time-out a sensitive core was just hit; and then talk about that, or say I’m not prepared to deal with this now. Let me look at why I’m so sensitive about this issue.

The problem when we get on an emotional topic is we want to find a resolve, and remembering that resolve is a process, it’s a building process; nothing gets resolved in one conversation. As you enter into this conversation, always remember your end goal. Your end goal is for resolution and to solve the issues, or to embark on addressing the issues. So, how do we get to the key issues in our relationship? First of all, we recognize that it’s a sensitive area, second of all we have to learn there are certain words that we don’t want to use, we want to stay away from words like “always ans never;” those are instinctual trigger words. Also, remembering in our relationships it’s a negotiation, have fun with the negotiation, so what that means is that you say something like, “I would like to work on this issue with you, in terms of your behavior, towards me, what can I do for you?” Anytime you ask someone to work on an issue for you, you must offer equally an issue they would like to work on. This is the best way to negotiate. What is the greatest characteristic you would like me to change, and then what is the greatest characteristic you would like them to change. So, you make sure it’s an equal exchange, this is where fairness comes in, this is where partnership comes in; and to make a mutual agreement of an issue that’s a sensitive issue to make sure each is working on an issue that has the same level of difficulty. You can’t ask someone to work on something that you’re not willing to work on. So, always go into your relationships realizing it’s a negotiation, and the idea of negotiation is equality. In negotiation is, “I will work on that, will you work on this?” or “What is it about me where you would like to see the most change, what issue, not all; but one specific issue where I can work on in the relationship where you can feel better towards me?” Then you can say, “ok, I can hear that and I will work on that, build towards that and here’s the parameters where I can work on that. I can’t work on that issue if you throw it in my face or if you beat me up with it, so I need support.” These are the things we ask for especially when we recognize that this is a sensitive topic. Equally we ask them, “What can I work on for you that’s a sensitive topic for me, but I will work on?” Together we walk away only thinking of what we, ourselves, need to work on. While we’ve made an agreement with our partner that they’re going to work on their issue, and we are going to work on our issue, this is harmony in relationships; and this is how we better our relationships.

Have fun making stronger ties and a stronger relationship connection, and always remember it’s an equal exchange. Whatever they give, you re-give. Whatever you are working on, they are working on their issues, but each person must work on their own. We don’t worry about what they’re working on, and we don’t measure, “you haven’t been working on this, but I’ve been working on this” We take responsibility for our issues, and we want away in harmony knowing that we are going to work together to make this relationship a better relationship and have a better connection.

Have fun,
Much love,
KC

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