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Trauma Thinking

August 17, 2013

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Trauma Thinking about the Future

Sometimes you find yourself in anxiety and you’re looking ahead and there’s no good view, the view is more of concern when you start to look at your future than optimism or excitement, it’s unbelievable what you’ve done. You have to recognize what I’ve done is gone back into trauma memory and not even known it, trauma thinking. Now, where I’ve come from a good life, you know you can come from a wonderful life where you weren’t there anymore, you were living in the spirit, and the energy was radiating, and you were in the joyful life; then all of a sudden it’s gone. Then these fears take over, like “oh my god it will never come back, or what have I done, I messed up.” We think we know, “oh it’s all been my thinking,” but the reality is when you’re sitting in your life today, and your ideas of tomorrow represent anxiety and knots; you’ve predicted a life that can’t happen. You’re worried about something that isn’t possible. When you go through stages in life where things just go completely upheaval, you really don’t know what the future is holding. I know in early recovery, I used to look at that like “the possibilities are unlimited, and I’m not trapped, things are going to change no matter what.” I remember in the worst of times, thinking “you know what, it’s not going to be the same as it was, things are going to change; and that idea in the midst of so much going on in a life where things seem like, you have no idea where they’re going to go, the other side of it is that now there’s unlimited possibilities.

Instead of, just think if you were somebody that lived their whole life, and they spent their whole life working for a company like Disney or some company that they thought was a good company, and they never really got anywhere, they just did the 401k and they just did the slow motion, 30 years later they got a little bit of a retirement, and they’ve done all that; there’s no possibilities in that life, that life is scripted to just kind of be a ho-hum middle class existence, even if that. Maybe it’s a low level position, but you do it for 30 years, and you just stay there and you retire; and then nothing really of unlimited possibilities happened in your life, What do you have then? So, each life, I think, has its own path, and we have to find our path, which one are we? Are we the one that’s pre-programmed that basically kind of fits in a box, it’s got a script?

If you work for 30-35 years, you retire with a semi-pension, and you live off social security, and you live kind of a conservative existence but you’re okay, that’s what you’ve got? Somehow you’ve managed to save money, not be reckless with credit cards, and not spend money you shouldn’t have spent, but you actually saved, and did it the way economics would say to do it; and you conserved, and put 10% of all your income away, all that great stuff, but you look up and go is this the life that I really wanted? Is this the life that could’ve had endless possibilities or was it a scripted life but at least I was safe? So, it’s like both sides of the coin, they’re always there, you know it seems like when you’re on the side of freelance and freedom and independence, and not really knowing where you’re going, you’re almost ready to go anywhere; but you think and dream of being on the side of conservative, disciplined, and regulated, structured, and corporation, work your way up the ladder, and retire; and that’s the route you think you should’ve taken when you’re independent. When you’re in the corporate life and you’ve done the structure, you think “god wouldn’t it be great to be free?” To just have the freedom to not show up for anybody, but work for myself today, and do what I need to do that produces me and money; that’s the dream.

The reality of it is, is our minds telling us that we’re not supposed to be where we’re at because in the moment you’re in, whatever you built is what. you’ve got. You’re okay and nothing is really wrong, you can create whatever you want in that moment, but you put fear into it. You put anxiety into it, because you keep thinking about how it doesn’t look good what’s coming, How’s it going to be down the road? All that stuff, it just takes away. It’s all just memory, like that hard-wired recorded memory, that’s gone into fear again. The ego is projecting that misery, and the self-fulfilling prophesy comes right in. Then, all of a sudden, you look up and you’ve been in time doing that. A period of time has gone by, a year or two years has gone by and that same feeling is there. You’ve got to break the mold, you’ve got to get out of it, you’ve got to get back into perspective, and sometimes realize this world is about living in the moment that you’re in and projecting it in a positive way.

You must see the vision and you must sometimes detach from those thoughts, like in that application of thresholds, when you’re over your threshold, you’ve got to know it and accept it. If I never look forward without God, and I always look forward with God, then the image I see is always the image and beauty and wonder of everything I want to see, even though I don’t get the details because I do it with God, soI do it with faith. If I always look back with God, with my Creator into my past, then my past becomes productive; and the only thing I can see is what I’ve learned, how far I’ve come, and all. of the wonderful joys that I’ve been able to enjoy in life. If I look back with just me, the scared me, then all I see is the trauma that I’ve had in my life. All I see is the lack that I didn’t get in my life, and I see pain, even if I sparse it with little joyful moments; bottom line is the end result is that if I’m not settled with my past, truly until I’m happy with my now. That’s the bottom line is that if I think and look back without God, then I get an image of fear and concern; but if I look back with God, then I see purpose, and I see lessons for learning, and opportunities of growth that I was able to go through. Therefore, if I can’t look forward without God, and I can’t look back without God, then my real, true mission in life is to be exactly where I’m at, with God, perceiving each moment, as God would have me see the moment I’m in because the moment I’m in may lead me to the future and may lead me to the past. The bottom line, as long as I stay with God, he will always ring me back into the present.

Have fun,
Much love,
KC

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